pushing crap up a hill and watching it slide back down again

26Dec09

First off: happy holidays to all. 🙂

Blog Stats is an enticing page to visit when your favourite sites have exhausted their interesting content. Unfortunately, I think it breeds an inappropriate amount of attention to how many people visit a blog. One could spend a lot of time picking out which posts get the most views and feeling coerced to write something more… applicable to the rest of the population.

Nonetheless, this little exercise in sounding out a voice in a well full of other voices probably deserves a smidgeon more substance.

A problem I’ve noticed with myself, that’s been growing ever since I left high school (which was not all too long ago) is that I’ve become very impatient. Not just impatient as in someone who thinks the bus is always late, although I’ve not been taking the bus as much these days due to that reason. No, this impatience is much worse — it’s on a very long term scale. I think of wonderful things I would like to do. There’s a mountain-load of them. The problem is that I often spend a large sum of energy in executing them, only to give up on it very shortly after, like say, after a few days, and then I find something else and I pick up on it.

The whole process is draining. To put it bluntly, I seem to be throwing away my efforts as soon as I have made any headway in them. Take, for example, a version of the Robots game I made in Mobile Processing. I made a large amount of progress within a few hours of a night, and I couldn’t sleep through to the next day on account of being so excited about all the things I wanted to do with Processing. And then I lost interest after that; it seemed that I did so much imagining and brainstorming that I didn’t have the energy to pick up on the ideas I had.

And it is so disappointing how I find flaws in my project ideas so quickly. The flaw can be almost anything — the project might be too easy or too hard or just plain redundant. A mere pebble added to a pile of refuse code that makes no difference at all. I have an idea for a novel I’ve been building in my head since 2005, and I haven’t been able to make significant headway in writing it down, except for a few scraps here and there that are more like notes than actual story.

Oh, sorry. I think this has degenerated into another one of those discussions that probably no one will ever read! I’ve done exactly what I set out not to do. Instead of something that adds to the swelling corpus of knowledge out there, it’s just a sad rant from a guy with ideas who can’t make them work.

Hrm. The scheme of things, the number of people reading this doesn’t matter. I just think it’s important that I’ve recognised this habit of mine. The next step is to do something about it.

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